This one's for Robert

In high school I wanted a ferret. Desperately. I used to visit the pet shop at least once a week in my too-cool for school black leather jacket (an old Harley Davidson that I got for 5 dollars in a trash bag sale). This particular shop let you take the ferrets right out of the cage and handle them. I liked that the cuffs of my jacket picked up their musty smell and I always left the store in my Canadian Army combat boots, shaking pine shavings out of my sleeves and knowing that my entire vibe of casual teenage indifference could only truly be completed with a ferret.

I never did get that ferret, but in college, my then-boyfriend told me he wanted to buy me a rat , cause “they’re kinda like ferrets”. So we went to a store and I chose a female (I think for fairly obviously reasons). It wasn't a puppy, but it was a start.

She cost 6 dollars.

In addition to developing a fondness for her over time, I also developed pretty severe allergies. I couldn't even come near her cage without my throat closing and any inch of skin that came in contact breaking out in a rash. So I gave her to my roommate, a known feeder. It shouldn't have come as a surprise that the rat was overfed to the extreme and developed fatty tumors that ruptured as she waddled around her cage. And even after she developed those tumors, my roommate, feeling sorry for her, fed her more treats. "Oh the poor thing, she's bleeding! Here you go girl, get your treat!". It was a miserable existence for this poor creature and I made the decision to have her euthanized.

It cost sixty dollars.

I had to pay for it. I was in college and broke. My roommate went with me to the vet "for moral support" but was strangely absent when the bill came.

In time, this same roommate got me a full grown cat. I'd never in my life owned a cat or expressed any interest whatsoever in owning one. Though I have to admit the cat was sweet, she did have one rather significant character flaw that I found hard to ignore: She had the unfortunate tendency toward expelling her anal glands. This occurred when she was startled..or when content...or when sleeping...or when I was sleeping...in my ear. When she expelled across my roommate's wall, it was funny (though I had to clean it). When she expelled on a friends lap as he was petting her and she was contentedly purring, it was less funny (and who do you suppose was responsible for the cleaning?) When she expelled in my ear (right IN my ear!!) while I was fast asleep it was not remotely funny. It was 3 in the morning and required two vigorous showers.

SO!

The moral of the story is (and this is a choose your own ending):
a)A rat is not a good gift
b)A cat is not a good gift
c)Never look a gift rat in the mouth (especially if you have allergies)
d)No rest for the wicked (especially when a cat expels in your ear)
e)My parents should have bought me the damn ferret.

The other way I like to tell this story is as follows:
I had a rat once. She cost $6. My roommate overfed her and she got so fat I had to have her put down. It cost 60 bucks.

Which version do you prefer?